Driving to class this morning I was rocking out to 100.5 Gen-X (Hopefully, it’s okay that I listen to secular music on my way to seminary). One of my favorite songs from my teenage years came on, Creep by Radiohead:
When you were here before
Couldn’t look you in the eye
You’re just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You’re so very special
Chorus:
But I ‘m a creep
I ‘m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so very special
I wish I was special
CHORUS
She’s running out again
She’s running out
She run, run, run run
Run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You’re so very special
I wish I was special
CHORUS
In the original version of this song the word “very” is replaced by the F-bomb. This is an angry song about a young man that has a crush on a girl but he really does not feel like he is good enough for her. At the end of the day he wishes that he was special like her. “I want you to notice when I’m not around” is perhaps the most telling lyric. This young man feels insignificant and unnoticed. He would sacrifice his own identity just to be someone that would be liked.
This song is the cry of my generation. At least it is the cry of my own heart. Growing up I always felt this way. Maybe it was the necessary result of being a short kid with big ears and glasses. Maybe it has deeper familial issues at the core. I feel this song. Check that, I felt this song.
Actually my wife and I had a conversation about this last night. Since my identity is being rocked to the core right now—rewind about 6 months and you will see why—we have these conversations often.
For most of my life I have had a deep desire to be noticed. Not necessarily in a “look at me, I’m the center of attention” type of way. More so in a, “Hi, Mike I’m glad that you exist” type of way. For years I killed parts of me that were “unacceptable”. I became whatever people wanted me to be. “Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want”.
Thankfully, God is healing me. Last night I wept after reflecting upon a different song. It’s a song that has grabbed my attention before. But last night I realized why it ministers to me so much:
I hope that this ministers to you. I pray that the way the Lord is comforting me will be a comfort to you. It’s my prayer that as the Lord continues to heal my brokenness that he may also use it.
If you read through this and cannot relate then that’s awesome. Please allow me to give you a ministry tip. You don’t heal a “creep” by convincing him you think he’s special. You heal a “creep” by letting him know that the One who lifts up the sun, hangs the stars, and holds the universe lovingly knows the number of his hairs. That heals brokenness.
Amen. Thanks, redeemed creep.
Your fellow redeemed creep.
Fortunately, my name is Mike so when I confessed in prayer my need to be noticed, I didn’t even have to change the name. Thanks for the re-direction to Heaven.