He looked as if he had accidentally been thrown into the dryer with a load of socks. His clothes were disheveled, his hair was unkempt and his eyes told the story of a man dizzied by life. Then he said it…
“I’m not sure that I’m supposed to be married to my wife”.
As I questioned his statement he gave a well-reasoned defense. He explained that he married his wife against the counsel of his parents, his pastor, and his Christian friends. They all reminded him that God’s Word says we are not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. He ignored their counsel, went to Las Vegas, and eloped with the woman of his dreams.
His marriage was great for awhile. Then the fights started. Now he is miserable and he knows why. He believes that God has a plan for his life, a plan that is to give him hope and to cause him to prosper; a la Jeremiah 29:11.
Though there has been no infidelity, no abuse, no abandonment he believes that God honors his intention to divorce this woman that is making him miserable. He has prayed about it and believes that God has given him the stamp of approval because he began his marriage in sin—thus leaving God’s plan for his life. He reasons that the only way for him to get back on track is to divorce his wife; he cannot live another moment in sin.
So what do you tell him?
—
How do you know if you were supposed to be married to your spouse?
For the sake of full disclosure I need to tell you that I am happily married. I’ve never been in this guys situation. I have yet to be in a spot where I’m looking for a loophole and trying to get God’s approval to end my marriage. I love my wife deeply and if I found a loophole I would board it up.
But I have had to answer this question because of conversations similar to the one above. How do I know that God intended for me to marry my wife? How do I know that she is my “soul-mate” the one that God had planned for me?
My answer is simple. Are you ready for it…
I know that God intended for me to be married to my wife because…I’m married to my wife.
That’s it. No magic 8 ball. No twenty questions to determine if she is right for me. Once I said, “I do”, I forfeited the right to ask that question. Before our wedding- day I could ask questions of whether or not she is the right one for me. But after that day it’s out of the question.
If you are married you are called to love, serve, honor, and cherish your spouse. You don’t get to use God’s mysterious will as an out-clause.
Amen.
“I know that God intended for me to be married to my wife because…I’m married to my wife.
That’s it. No magic 8 ball. No twenty questions to determine if she is right for me. Once I said, “I do”, I forfeited the right to ask that question.”
Absolutely and amen! This reminds me of Elisabeth “Elliot” Gren on her old Gateway to Joy radio program. I recall an episode where she addressed people who wondered if they were called to be single or called to be married. She said simply something to the effect that “if you are married you are called to be married. If you are single you are called to be single.” If you are single, you can choose to get married. If you are married, you can no longer choose to be single. Single or married both have conditions of purity for their calling. If you are single, you cannot live as though you are married. If you are married, you cannot give up the responsibility you have toward your spouse.
Once I said, “I do”, I forfeited the right to ask that question – Oh well, it smacks of Dark Ages. Things have changed. What’s the point in the marriage which brings nothing but suffering? The religious approach to family life just makes people unhappy. Religious belongs church on Sundays, drop the stuff when you enter everyday life, business, sex, recreation etc. Once I said, “I do”, I forfeited the right to ask that question – Oh well, it smacks of Dark Ages. Things have changed. What’s the point in the marriage which brings nothing but suffering? The religious approach to family life just makes people unhappy. Religious belongs church on Sundays, drop the stuff when you enter everyday life, business, sex, recreation etc.
ysinitsky, I’m wondering upon what you’re basing your statement that “religious approach to family life just makes people unhappy.” That doesn’t match the statistics I’ve seen about family life and religion. You say, “What’s the point in the marriage which brings nothing but suffering?” In the same way, one could say, What’s the point of caring for my terminally ill child when it brings nothing but suffering? It is because you made a commitment, because you love them even when things are troubled, because you know that suffering actually leads to better character and a stronger family in the long run (ever try training for an athletic competition without ‘suffering’ by practicing first?). Christianity is not for Sunday mornings but for all day, every day. Then we could look at your theory that simply canceling your relationships when they don’t feel good is a good thing. In my observation, that leaves people very unhappy. I’d rather invest in the relationships I have than pretend that life gets better by disposing of relationships like trash when they don’t make me feel good anymore. To me, that seems like a very Dark Age indeed.
My experience with marriage has been short, but far less than pleasant. I can honestly tell you that the only reason I’m still married to my husband is because I take my vow to God seriously and because I believe that God can be glorified in that obedience. Less than one year ago, I married my husband full of love and excitement for the life and family we would build together. Now, as health, financial and relational problems creep in, I find myself married to a man who once felt a call to ministry, but who now feels that God has abandoned him completely.
Did I marry the wrong person? Honestly, I know some would say yes, but truthfully, I wouldn’t. Our marriage is far less than perfect and I truthfully don’t know that it will even survive (I pray that it does and that it changes, but he’s threatened to leave me on multiple occasions), but I know that God often uses life’s most difficult moments to teach us and make us more like Him. Walking this road has taught me more about trusting Him for my daily bread than anything else I’ve ever experienced.
I hope that one day, I’ll be able to look back on all of this and share how God turned things around, but even if things don’t end well, I know that God is sufficient for me.
ysinitsky – I know that that sounds like the Dark Ages to you, but I’d rather walk through a difficult marriage with God than be anywhere else without Him. My faith is my life – not merely something I do at church on Sundays.
Lucy,
I am praying for you and your husband, and I want to send you a virtual hug. I will not try to tell you that “It will all work out (in the way that you want)”; but I can tell you that God’s Word is always true, that all things work together for His glory, and therefore the good of all who follow Him. I also want to share my parents’ story with you:
My mom married my father believing that he was a Christian, and I think he thought he was as well (he went to church, was a preacher’s kid, helped old ladies cross the streets – you get the picture). However the first years of their marriage were very difficult as it became evident they were not going the same direction. I’m not sure how everything went exactly, but I know that when I was 5 my dad helped move my mom and myself into a new apartment and he went to stay with a friend. Through the prayers of my mom, my extended family, and our church family; through the voice of my dad’s friend; and by the work of the Holy Spirit my dad was convicted, accepted Christ, was baptized, joined the local church, and came back to our family. Now, several years down the road my father is a completely different person. It has been amazing to see him allowing God to work in his life, making him the leader in the family, and changing his heart.
Never doubt the power of the One who, by breathing into dust, created Adam and who loved you so much that He sent His one and only Son to suffer for your sins and then persued you and drew you to Himself!
Keep going, Lucy.
You are doing right before the Lord.