John Newton was the Kevin Bacon of 18th century evangelicalism. If you spend any time studying that period, you’ll run across some degree of connection to Newton. One particular relationship I’ve been studying recently is Newton’s connection with a little religious society which met around Yorkshire. The principle connection is with a Miss Medhurst.
What makes this relationship so interesting is that it began when Newton was still attempting to be ordained as a pastor in the Church of England. In reading his letters to Miss Medhurst we are given a picture of a man who recently became awakened to glorious truths of the gospel. His excitement in Jesus is palpable. Though, as is typical of Newton, he laments not having more of Christ we read many statements like this one:
With respect to my own experience, I have little now to add, to what I have formerly offered, at least, little variety; for, in one sense, every new day is filled up with new things: new mercies on the Lord’s part — new ingratitude on mine; instances of the vileness of my nature — and new proofs of the power of sovereign pardoning grace; new hills of difficulty — new valleys of humiliation; and now and then (though alas! very short and seldom), new glimpses of what I will be — like Christ, and where I will be — with Christ.
There are many such paragraphs. I would describe his first few letters to Miss Medhurst (and the little society in Yorkshire) as bubbly. He is lively and bubbling over with Christ. But his letters after 1764 have a different feel. They seem more mature, yes, but they have lost a bit of liveliness. We read things like this:
The Lord is pleased to supply me still in public service, and to continue my acceptance with his people. But with regard to what passes between him and my own soul, there is, for the most part, a very awful distance. I mourn under such a deadness and barrenness in secret duties, as I believe very few, who are in any measure alive, are exercised with. It puts me often to a stand, and affords the enemy a handle to present the most distressing doubts and fears as to my own state. (Newton, Volume VI, 37)
I understand what Newton is saying here. There is a bit of disconnect which often happens with us pastors. I think one is that there is a bit of a hired hand mentality which has plagued vocational ministers for hundreds of years. Something in this robs us of our humanity and cannot but harm our relationship with the Lord. For God only relates to us as we actually are and vocational ministry has a way of confusing our identities. Perhaps this is a bit of what Newton was experiencing. Or maybe it is the result of spending so much time preparing food for others that we can tend to neglect our own diets. I suppose pastors can be a bit like new mothers in this regard.
And Satan certainly uses this as an opportunity to bring a great deal of temptation and discouragement. I’m a bit leery of any pastor who doesn’t feel a bit like a hypocrite. We are always preaching above our heads. And in the darker moments we can be tempted to deep discouragement. When we look at our own struggling prayer life and personal devotion we can really begin to question things. This is why I greatly appreciate Newton’s answer to his malady:
I dare not plead in answer to his suggestions, that I must be right, because the Lord is pleased to assist and own me in the work of the ministry…but though I dare not rest upon this plea, the Lord affords me a better; and has been pleased to give me such a view of the all-sufficient righteousness of Jesus, and the certainty of the promises in Him, that these doubts seldom pierce more than skin-deep, and, at the bottom of my dry, complaining frames, he is pleased to maintain a stable peace. I trust I am safe; but I am sure I am not comfortable. (Newton, Volume VI, 38)
Early on in Newton’s walk with the Lord those doubts pierced more than skin deep. But God established Newton on the solid rock of the finished work of Jesus Christ. It is here that we pastors have hope even in our very real hypocrisy. It is here, in the work of Christ, that we are carried along even as we limp through private duties. The fight to maintain a lively relationship with Jesus is the same for a minister of the gospel as it is for any disciple. It is a fight to see. One would think that we pastors would be in a better position to see Christ clearly, but that’s simply not the case. We have many daily temptations to muddy the gospel and to attach Jesus-sounding things to a blurry mirage.
We must fight to see and rest.
—
Photo source: here
