I’m hesitant to publish this next sentence or two. For the longest time I would be rattled to my core any time I heard of a fellow pastor committing suicide. I think what rattled me was fear that I’d be next. I hate typing those sentences because I know what such a confession of those dark moments does to those who love you. It’s scary to those who love you. And I know I’m loved.
But I think I can say with a great deal of confidence that the Lord has provided substantial healing to my heart and mind over this past year. On occasion I’ll still have rumblings of fear, worry and anxiety. But what I have now is a battle plan for engaging those fears. And it all starts with seeing Christ in the Garden.
There was a downward and dark spiral that would happen in my mind when I’d be overcome with one of these emotions. It would often start with a particular event (or a perceived event) that would create anxiety within my heart. And then fear and worry would attach themselves and then things would get very dark. My affections would grow numb and I’d be swallowed up by fear and feeling trapped and helpless and inadequate and a bunch of other negative voices would throw darts at me.
Then a twisted Christian hedonism would start talking to me. “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” What kind of witness am I being? I’m not pleasing God in my emotions. Someone who so passionately believes in the centrality of the gospel shouldn’t be so fearful. Buck up! Stop fearing! Stop being anxious! Jesus said to not fear, and you are fearing! He has given you everything for life and godliness, press into that and your feelings of anxiety will subside.
The fear got worse. And now it had a new companion, shame.
Jesus in the Garden stopped the cycle.
Over there in the distance is a man weeping in a garden. He looks weary. Maybe the most weary I’ve ever seen a man. He’s trembling. His inner turmoil is creeping through cracks in his forehead, falling like drops of blood onto the rocks. There is nothing calm about this man.
If you know his story then you know the reason for his sorrow. He’s about to face death, but not just any death. This is a sacrificial death. It’s the type were all your dreams are set ablaze on the altar of somebody else’s dreams. He’ll be crushed so somebody else doesn’t have to be. And nobody in history has known joy like this man. Nobody has known intimacy with God like this man. There is not one other soul who has been to the heights like he has. He’s giving up more than we could even think possible.
There has to be a brief moment when he simply didn’t want to do it. Otherwise the words, “not my will but your will” mean nothing. James Edwards is correct,
“Jesus’ prayer is not the result of calm absorption into an all-encompassing divine presence, but an intense struggle with the frightful reality of God’s will and what it means fully to submit to him.”
There isn’t “peace beyond all understanding” in this moment. It’s torrential torment. (This section originally published here)
How This Helped
A sight of Christ at the Garden changed my focus. I was no longer focused on my feelings of anxiety, fear, or worry. I learned that the most significant thing in that moment wasn’t what I was feeling but what I did with my feelings.
It’s possible that there were things in my anxiety and such that needed to be repented of. (And there were). But it’s also possible that my own torrential torment was legit. (Many times it was). What I learned to do was table that discussion and begin to focus on the goodness of God and my obedience to God.
I still think Piper is correct that delight is our duty. Dutiful roses aren’t ideal. But sometimes God calls us to an obedience that’s contrary to a large portion of our emotions in that moment. What heals fear, worry, and anxiety isn’t focusing on solving those feelings but instead focusing on the character of God and our response in light of the truth of who He is.
And Jesus in the Garden was my model. If Jesus had emotions that were raging then it helped me to feel a bit more comfortable with my own. I learned that when I am afraid it puts into motion a battle plan to focus on His character and labor to trust. My goal in those moments isn’t to stop feeling anxious or afraid. My goal was to obey the Lord.
Again, I still have times of fear and anxiety and such. But I don’t spiral anymore. My emotions are becoming more consistent with truth. My redemption is found in a Person. And He’s amazing!
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Photo source: here
