Yesterday, we looked at a few characteristics of a narcissist and also outlined a narcissist cycle of abuse. What happens when someone who is fixated on themselves enters your community or becomes your pastor?
On the back of When Narcissism Comes to Church by Chuck DeGroat an important question is asked: “Why does narcissism seem to thrive in our churches?” Why is it that the “vast majority of ministerial candidates test on the spectrum of Cluster B DSM-V personality disorders…”? And why are the rates even higher among church planters? Why do narcissists so easily get propelled to positions of leadership within our churches? I will give you a brief story (fictional, but will probably feel all too real to many readers) in an effort to shine a spotlight on how this happens.
The Answer To All Your Prayers
Podunk Baptist Church is hurting and has a massive gap to fill in an important department. Narcissist Ned is relatively new to the area and has exhibited a passion in this particular area. In fact he has already told many of the members and other leaders of his unbelievable experience in this particular area. He seems to be the expert you’ve been praying for. One of the characteristics of a narcissist is to exaggerate their life. Healthprep explains:
To give narcissists some credit, they’re excellent dramatists, and they can turn the most mundane details of their lives into the most outrageous, unbelievable stories. These are often too good to be true, because they’re actually lies. Their need to impress causes narcissists to stretch the truth or omit facts to fit their narrative better.
Their need to exaggerate, to be needed, to be seen as superior, and their sense of entitlement matches perfectly with the churches need for a passionate person to fill a ministry need. Sure, there might be a few warning signs but nevertheless Narcissistic Ned is thrust into a position of leadership. Keep in mind that most churches would “rather believe a reassuring lie than an utterly inconvenient and disturbing truth.”
For a season it seems as if all the prayers have been answered. It’s a symbiotic relationship. The church is meeting Ned’s need to feel good about himself and he is returning the favor. He tells everyone what a great church he is part of.
When Reality Hits
But then reality starts to rear its ugly head. The church shows her flaws. This will play perfectly into the personality of the narcissist. Churches have flaws. They are filled with sinners. And healthier churches will have a built in culture of repentance, they’ll want to hear how they can grab hold of Christ better. Ned the Narcissist will be very adept at pointing out the flaws within the church—and may even seem to be prophetic. But this is where that symbiotic relationship with wither. Ned cannot admit to any of his own issues.
Although a narcissist generally wants to be in control, ironically, they never want the responsibility that comes with this role, the results and consequences for their actions, unless, of course, everything goes their way. However, when things do not go according to their plan or they feel criticized, a narcissist will place the responsibility and blame on others who are involved, as it always has to be someone else’s fault when things are not perfect. In some situations, the blame is generalized, such as all bosses, teachers, coworkers, friends, family, politicians and professionals, and so on, are to blame. (source)
What this will do is burn bridges with some and build a deep foundation with others. Within a church structure a narcissist can be on the idealization stage (think honeymoon) with some and the devaluation or rejection phase with others. This will likely develop factions within the church. Many conversations will be about Ned. He will be a polarizing figure. Some will love Ned, and others (likely those who have experienced the darker side of his narcissism) will have a bad taste in their mouth.
Your church is now divided and Ned has caused many problems. So, what do you do? How do you confront Ned? What are the next steps to take?
We will tackle that question on Friday…but tomorrow we need to consider the difference between a prophetic truth-teller and a narcissist.
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